For almost 20 years I identified as a lesbian, as a butch.
Columbus Day weekend of 1978 was when a woman caught my eye and my heart. I could not get my mind off of her. I thought it was love yet as I look back upon it, it really was mere lust. Yet it felt so right, how could it be wrong?
I rationalized that God must have made me this way, a lesbian; little did I know I was in actuality transferring my guilt to God, blaming it on Him.
Prior to this time I always yearned to be held by women. I wanted to be enfolded by their loving arms and never let go. I liked guys but there was little if any sexual attraction there. I was actually engaged to be married however I called it off given I just was not sexually aroused by my fiancé. On the other hand, this woman so aroused me sexually that I seduced her.
Although I enjoyed the intimacy of women, deep down inside of me I knew the sexual part was wrong. But I would quickly push that thought away; I buried it deep down inside of me. So deep that it took almost 20 years for it to surface once more. Alcohol was a great burying tool. When the ‘it is wrong’ thoughts came back, they came back almost with a vengeance.
In 1991 my same gender sexual attractions ruled my life yet a change was starting up within my inner being. As I started struggling with the sexual attractions towards women I would share with my lovers that it was not them but that it was me, something was going on within me that I did not understand.
I started turning towards God searching for answers. In 1995 I came to a personal relationship with Him. My life was turned over to Him. As a loving church family embraced me and taught me about God’s love the battle within intensified. God and I wrestled nightly over my homosexuality.
“God! If homosexuality is wrong, why did You make me this way?” I asked Him this question nightly.
In 1997 my eyes were finally opened to the fact that God did not make me a lesbian. When I would have a same gender attraction I would capture the thought, give it to God, asking Him to help me understand where it came from and how to understand it’s turning into a sexual attraction. Over the past 15 years, these answers have come both through studying God’s word and the reading of writings, both pro, and con, on the matter of homosexuality.
Today, 2017, it is quite rare for me to experience a same gender sexual attraction. My attractions now are towards the opposite sex. This in itself is a whole new experience. Will I act out on them? Yes, but only in the marriage bed. It will be fun to see where God takes me; I leave it fully in His capable hands.
Experienced and written by Charlene E. Hios
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